Everybody has his or her own dreams they hold dear to their heart. The mere mental slideshowof those desires bring a smile on their faces — an obscure one, a sinister one, a happy one. Desires ought to bring a certain pleasure to the thought owner and they are not limited on the good side of the shelf. Desires seduces and are believed to tag along happiness to ones self and not necessarily to others. It’s a little selfish, I know.
My religious perception of desire was bugging me while I was attending mass earlier. I inhaled the Catholic scent of St. Augustine’s Church in Limerick, while my ears were struggling to avoid silence by magnifying even the faintest sound my floral boots make on the tiled floor. I came inside thinking how selfish I have been for most days, or for all of my life. I always think about my goals, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my job and my financial security that I just started to build. Thanks to the internet and my personal blogging, I have never been this “lustful for life”. I have never been more empowered than me creating life lists and crossing out things that I’ve done and filling in new ones again.
I’d have this moments when I virtually fast track to the end part of my life, pretending to have reached all of the desires of my heart. At the end of my journey, I would ask myself, “What now? Are you happy that you have published one book? Are you happy you have two lovely children with curly hair, big eyes and fair complexion? Are you happy with the financial kingdom that you have started for your bloodline?” What will happen to all of my earthly desires when I leave the soils of the earth?
Sometimes, I feel guilty for eating a lot when a lot of the people go hungry. I feel guilty when I go buy things for myself and I cannot give a portion of my income to the needy. I feel guilty of just planning out the happy life ahead of me when girls get raped everyday over and over again on different parts of the world.
I don’t know what difference I could do or what charitable organization I could join. I don’t know where to put my efforts on — me enjoying the world built by our Creator and helping my family or sacrificing a little to help the needy. I feel like Barbie most of the time — nurturing my compassionate self sparing a moment for the cruelties of the earth, but giving in to my inner material girl who just wants to have fun.
I know I don’t need to absorb all the negatives in this world, but sometimes, I feel like a sponge — easy to soak in those emotions, easy to squeeze them off. Squish, squish. Just like that.
So, tell me should I feel guilty for blogging out my dreams and the life that I want to live? Should I feel embarrassed for spending too much time on my personal blog and skipping out the news section? How could I give out to the world? How could I change the life of one miserable soul? How could I help all those who need me? Starting with my family is acceptable, but I think it is still selfish enough.
Sometimes, the conflicts posed by heaven and earth are just too hard to fathom.